Three Children and a Mother

She woke up in the morning feeling tired. After  hosting a large group of guests she had barely put the dishes in the dishwasher before going to bed. So the first thing she thought was to empty the dishwasher before the kids woke up. When she opened the dishwasher she saw that it was empty. "Oh, this must be Ahmet” she uttered with a warm smile.  Her secret savior, youngest son Ahmet. He must have wanted to help.  As always, she thought.

She started making coffee to shake off the grogginess. In her mind she thought about a lecture she had attended. 

People can be born to the same parents and yet can be very different from each other.

She had three sons. They were all so different from each other. She didn't know exactly how to foster their individual needs. They were all her precious children so the thought of treating them differently was very foreign to her. She gave birth to them, looked after them. The thought of treating them differently felt unfair? At first it sounded like discrimination.

Until she realized the truth of relationships.

“It turns out that I confused equality with justness and never understood what justice really is..” 

His eldest son was a true gentleman. He carried himself seriously and was very dignified indeed. He would do what he was told. Nothing less nothing more. He wouldn’t leave his room much. Wouldn’t get involved in family affairs much. 

The middle son however would do anything but what he was told. He would forget it or find a reason to escape. If cornered he would first object then out of obligation, he would grumble and do things half-heartedly. But when it came to spending money, playing games he would be at the forefront. 

His third son Ahmet would do things without being told. He would go buy bread and bring tiny flowers from the sidewalk to his mother. He knew how to win people’s heart and put a smile on their faces. So when she was treating them all equally was she being a just mom?  

Three children and one mother. 

Should she be equal or fair to her children?

One of her children puts the dishes away before going to school, thinking of his mother. He studies, he knows his responsibilities. The other one is always asking for money, complaining, forgetting things at school.  Would it be fair to treat these two children the same? The middle son's grades were not bad. But grades were not everything. His behavior towards life and his family was self centered. That's why he had difficulty bonding with people. 

“Looking after” or “raising” children? 

In the evening she gathered her children together.  And started talking; 

"Something happened this morning that made me very happy. Guess who made me happy?"

Ahmet understood the point, he got embarrassed and immediately looked away. Mert, the middle son, waited anxiously for the answer to see if he had a share in it.

-When I woke up in the morning, I went to the dishwasher to empty it but found it empty. I thought, who could have done this? Ahmet? Were you the one who put the plates away honey?

Shaking his head shyly, Ahmet's eyes are filled with joy and embarrassment. He really deserved a praise. 

-Thank you, dear, thank you. It was a very nice gesture. I hope you have sons like yourself and i hope they will always help you. 

Human beings while perfect in creation can be imperfect in behavior. That's why one should praise and criticize the behavior, not the person. This will enable one to understand and continue the good behavior. When criticism is directed at the behavior, the person addressed is not discouraged. This way one would not lose the motivation to do better.

 "How about me?! Don’t I behave nicely?" he complained. 

His mother smiled and said, "Of course there are some nice things you do. But these little nice things you do should be consistent, no? But the first thing you need to do is to stop complaining."

A few hours had passed. The apartment caretaker came to take the garbage. Mert ran and said, "I'll take it!" It was a job he normally wouldn't want to do. When he met his mother in the hallway, they smiled at each other. When he closed the door, she said, "Good move, you're doing well!" 

As she went to the kitchen to set the table, Mert followed his mother into the kitchen. "Mommy, can I help you?"

"Sure, son, your help would make me very happy," she said as she thought about how fine details it takes to raise someone. Even their motivation differs from one another. Putting everyone in the same category and treating them equally was what causing injustice in relationships. Only the relationships where there is fairness could turn into trusting, happy bonds. And happy bonds were what people needed the most. 

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